In darkness

Judgment, worry, fear, self-judgment, restlessness...I follow and name my thoughts. Over and over again. Worry, anxiety, self-judgment. Anything positive there? Seems like the lighter notes are not welcome. Like the outside triggers, such as media, - the more horrifying the better story, the more pain - the larger audience. In the same way, the more pain I create for myself, it felt, the more I am in touch with life.
Are we masochists? Why do we choose to cause pain to ourselves again and again? To simplify things i would call it habit. Habits are difficult to re-train so we get stuck with habits out of lethargy, fear of hard work and fear of change.
Judgment, worry, self-judgment. When i look inside. I mean, when I open eyes and really look inside, I want to run as fast as I can. To gallop like a panicked horse through meadows, streams and woods. I am ashamed of what I see. Facade is pretty, logic and controlled, but within there are many imperfections, much negativity and fear.
Piece by piece I take out anger, judgment, worry, fear and restlessness out to the light. They do not like it and wish to stay in the darkness, where they feel safe. So it becomes like a yo-yo game. Back and forth until the trail back disappears like path in the desert.