In darkness

Judgment, worry, fear, self-judgment, restlessness...I follow and name my thoughts. Over and over again. Worry, anxiety, self-judgment. Anything positive there? Seems like the lighter notes are not welcome. Like the outside triggers, such as media, - the more horrifying the better story, the more pain - the larger audience. In the same way, the more pain I create for myself, it felt, the more I am in touch with life.
Are we masochists? Why do we choose to cause pain to ourselves again and again? To simplify things i would call it habit. Habits are difficult to re-train so we get stuck with habits out of lethargy, fear of hard work and fear of change.
Judgment, worry, self-judgment. When i look inside. I mean, when I open eyes and really look inside, I want to run as fast as I can. To gallop like a panicked horse through meadows, streams and woods. I am ashamed of what I see. Facade is pretty, logic and controlled, but within there are many imperfections, much negativity and fear.
Piece by piece I take out anger, judgment, worry, fear and restlessness out to the light. They do not like it and wish to stay in the darkness, where they feel safe. So it becomes like a yo-yo game. Back and forth until the trail back disappears like path in the desert.

Search

What do I like? How do I like to spend time? Silence. I asked myself the same questions over and over again. Silence. Silenzio. Tyla. A moment of panic and then questions again. The list started...with Running. OK, at least one on the list.

Lost it through years of going, rushing somewhere on autopilot. I was so eager to get...somewhere and the truth is I got there but do not know where. So here I am -lost in the crossroads of life without clear direction, without knowing myself, with lost touch to life and to myself. Well, there is not much to do about it - get out of the situation. Find the systematic approach to move out and to know myself...There is no other way.

So here is the simple question I ask myself - what do I like? How long will it take to find an answer? I do not know but I am ready to start a search.

My mind

Never ending fight
Never ending flight
Start again over and over
With each breath
Until the last breath.

Mind is habitual and obsessive.
It is fascinating
It works overtime and
Has a mind of its own.

It can be rigid or malleable
Free or confused
Clear or worrying
Shut or open
It is all in my hands.

I choose a freedom...

Loneliness

Hiding from difficult emotions and fears or fleeing them is the main strategy not only me, but, i think, most of us. It is much easier not to deal with complicated businesses. Smile, be happy...Felling down or having unpleasant emotions becomes like a crime or a toilet that noone wants to see or clean. So I am trying to deal here with discovered feeling of loneliness. After struggles and fallen apart relationships I was happy to be alone. Disturbed by no one...I wanted to discover this person whom I neglected for years, to know her, trust her and start an intimate relationship. I entered a different page of discovering myself and trusting my heart. There is still a long way ahead of me...
Loneliness comes unexpectedly when I feel most vulnerable, when I have unfulfilled desires. There are many of them. I do not have much patience and WANT things to be a certain way. Let things be as they are...I do when they are going in the same or similar direction as I am, but when they take a different turn - I struggle. Let it go. Let things be. Let go the control. Embrace unknown and change. Embrace permanence if it.
Loneliness comes when I have too many SHOULDs. I should do this and that...Following the same actions and directions as many comes from wanting to be accepted and surrounded by caring people, fleeing loneliness. What comes with it is loneliness, because I betray the most important intimate relationship with my heart - I stop listening to it... then feel more lonely then ever.
I do enjoy being alone in my own world, but I also enjoy sharing time with the other..which I have been neglecting for the longest time - the need of communication and sharing, the need of community support...

Every time it surprises me...

I work very hard to pursue a dream or idea that sits in the back of my mind. When it is far away like the sky I am filled with a burning desire to grasp it, to have it, to breath it. I work harder and harder to make it true, but when i see it close and coming closer and closer, I start moving away from it. It is better to keep it as a dream? What am I afraid of? Failure? Change? Insecurity? What is beyond it?
This mind like to play games: cat chasing the mouse and then mouse chasing the cat...

Stream

Stream starts small with a tiny flow from the ground. It searches and follows the path, its path. It is no stagnant. It grows and widens with no resistance or force. It finds the way to overcome each obstacle along the way and flows forward steadily and calmly. Sometimes I wonder if I can be like a stream and take its way to overcome challenges in my life. Can I be steady and calm day to day, minute to minute? How can I just be without wanting to change me, you, and all that is around?

I hear the crunchy sound when snowshoe dives into the snow. I hear another one..one after the other. Right after left and left after the right. Then listen. No other sound, no other voice. Quietness takes me on a journey nowhere and everywhere. I am a snowflake. I am a decaying leaf enjoying its last minutes in the sunshine. I am a sun that brings life. I am a wind that travels. I am all and I am no one.
I feel the chains melting and I am leaving a self built card house...